ok

i could tell you about amsterdam or i could tell you about london or i could tell you about being twenty or how i haven't slept in three days or how i can't sleep now because i am not used to it even though i am finished with all my work or i could tell you about how i really don't think i am ready to leave france and how i am going to miss running downstairs in socks and a cashmere sweater and buying a croque monsieur at noon so i can eat it in bed while knitting or spending twelve hours working at the pompidou library like it's not even a big deal i'm just studying in the pompidou a floor below the annette messager installation i am writing a paper on like this is paris so we are too busy to care about any of this because we are on the euro so you wouldn't understand

or i could tell you about my four am flight to israel on december 12 and how i am really anxious about returning to israel not because of "safety" or anything stupid like that but because i think i like to pretend i didn't exist until two years ago but really i have this whole semester of history in israel that i somehow remember nothing of and what is it going to be like going back there but being now-me and not then-me?? i don't know how paris-me or oberlin-me or even just post-2008-me will relate to israel. i don't really have a strong relationship with zionism or judaism anymore, and i also just don't really remember how to speak any hebrew except for "where is bathroom" and "chocolate milk in bag" and stuff. i feel this incredible knot in my throat like i ate a lot of dry spaghetti or watched one of those short films about canine diabetes or something. i am nervous to return to israel because i feel like there are certain expectations of me that i cannot stand up to. i have been living in paris eating croissants wearing coats and speaking poor french for a semester. it has been self-indulgent and maybe "culturally valuable" but mostly just "fun" and sort of easy and israel is historical and "important" and supposed to be this large part of my life and it just feels really difficult in comparison. it is not just another vacation like hamsterdam or fundon. or is it? i don't know. i don't know why i am so wrecked about it. it is probably not really relevant to my semester in paris but i can't write about anything else while israel is crowding up my mind-grapes.

it is four am but i can't sleep

i can't really ever sleep anymore

i think i am really anxious about a lot of things

or

i don't know